Life had been extra challenging these last two months for a myriad of reasons, all of which have to do with various degrees of love, loss, and the challenge of acceptance.
Oh, and a day at Legoland.
It's not that I suffered some big, horrendous tragedy. There was no monumental disaster to overcome - nothing catastrophic to bear. No, life simply began unfolding in new and unexpected ways and started to move through some previously unchartered waters. This required some skillful navigating on my part, especially since I didn't have the map.
In these times, staying anchored in what was true and authentic in my heart was precarious, and the effort to do so was totally exhausting. I went to bed every night too tired to write and too drained to do much of anything else. A seven and four-year-old alone will render you flat at the close of the day, without the help of anything else; but that coupled with additional issues and external conflicts was just too much to take at times. And although I held my own through most of it, I did inevitably falter into a jumbled mess of tears or a potent mixture of frustration and bewilderment here and there.
But that's ok. I'm cool with that. Tears don't equate weakness any more than frustration equates failure. I have always been one whose tears flow easily, just as I've always been one who never let that fact define her as weak or fragile. Being challenged in life is a given, and we all deal with it in our own individual ways. And even though sometimes you may not handle it as skillfully as you'd like, it's through those challenges that you learn more about yourself, more about others, and more about how you relate to one another. You also discover what you can manage, recognize what you need to work on, and identify how to best come out the other side better and even stronger.
As it stands now, I am still me, imperfect in my perfection, but fully intact at the heart of it all. And really, isn't that what matters most? Being YOU, at the core, unapologetically, while simply learning and evolving into a more enlightened version of yourself?
Surviving a day of my son celebrating (or NOT celebrating, as it were) his fourth birthday at Legoland makes me a pretty safe bet for getting through whatever else life decides to throw at me.