I had a conversation with a friend today that affected me in such a profound way that I couldn't continue the conversation. Granted, this conversation was via text, so I actually just stopped typing. I was overwhelmed by many feelings communicating with this friend, some having to do specifically with this person, and the fondness that I feel for them, and some having to do with me and my life in a more universal sense. I was so overwhelmed by the energy of our exchange that I actually began to cry. I just sat there, crying at my desk, feeling amazing, and amazingly sad at the same time.
This friend of mine is someone that inspires me in such a way that they make me want to be a better person. Observing what this person sets out to accomplish, and what they actually do accomplish, ignites my own ambitions and desires to invoke change and inspire others to use their power to do the same. However, sometimes I feel the weight of my ambitions and wonder how I could possibly accomplish what I want to accomplish under the circumstances I am dealing with presently (insert real or perceived laundry list of challenges/responsibilities here).
I think many people feel as I do at times (but rarely admit it to others), that somehow their life circumstances are not as ideal as they would hope them to be in the present moment... that the people in their lives closest to them are not as supportive or accepting of their hopes and dreams as they would wish them to be... and that they just don't have the means to do the things they would be passionate about if they had the time and energy to devote to it, you know, if only things were different...
The violin playing in the background will play endlessly as we all bitch and whine about what we just can't do because our lives don't facilitate it. This is not a disrespectful dig against me or anyone else expressing upsetting feelings or emotions, as I am ALL FOR expressing feelings and emotions of all varieties; it being essential if you at all strive to live with any degree of emotional intelligence.
But in this particular instance, cutting short the self-defeating internal dialogue sitting atop the pity pot is necessary, since sometimes a downward spiral in thinking could most assuredly be your doom, and you just got to cut that shit out before it takes over and drags you down with it.
So, after drying my eyes, and recognizing the effect this exchange had on me, I came to the conclusion that the feeling of ultimately feeling understood, loved, and accepted was very powerful; and it exposed, on this particular day of challenges, a desire (for approval, encouragement, and acceptance) so potent that for a moment it felt like sheer and desperate neediness.
This feeling is something I believe everyone should be privileged to feel every day by the people in their lives that matter most. It shouldn't be something you just do without. Unfortunately, too much time is often spent in conflict - of ideas, of desires, of opinions, of egos… rendering many of our daily interactions with others tainted by negative energy.
And when you (if you are like me) mindfully and diligently work hard to be self-sufficient with your own goals, with your own intrinsic happiness, with your own inner peace, this type of neediness is just a nuisance, and terribly inconvenient.
In contrast, the opposite perspective, one of not needing approval, not looking to others to help complete you or to make you happy, is a blissful state of existence. I have gone in and out of this realm periodically in my life - before/after getting married and before/after having babies - and it is wonderfully gratifying to be able to love others unconditionally with no expectation for love or adoration in return. Funny, you end up getting it as a byproduct anyway, but it is transformative not to NEED it.
So as overwhelmed as I felt in that moment, and, subsequently, as sad as I felt, it led me to this place...
Having friends, or even one friend, who loves who you are, who supports who you are, and who puts forth effort to be your cheerleader, is a really great thing - actually, it is a HUGE gift - and it can be the difference between pressing on to reach your goals or succumbing to the obstacles against you.
Yet ultimately, NOTHING you want to do will be accomplished unless you yourself find the passion, perseverance, determination and drive to take the necessary steps to get there.
So ditch the pity pot, stop bitching, and JUST DO IT already.