#nofilter

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It is something that is not hard for me to do... sharing without a filter, that is. In general, I don't have a problem talking to people about my feelings, and I don't usually feel the need to edit myself or hold back what I'm feeling or thinking, especially not with those I love and trust.

At times I've been applauded for it, admired for it, loved for it. Some think it's endearing, a strength of character, a breath of fresh air. Other times, and most obviously by other people, I've been criticized for it, judged for it, scorned for it. They think it's inappropriate, insensitive, tmi.

I can see both sides of this. I see my candidness as an attribute at times; but do recognize it as a liability other times. When I share while in an altered emotional state (read: hormonal), or at a time when an experience has rendered me in a state of bewilderment, with conflicting feelings and thoughts running rampant through my head, it is most definitely a liability, and most often a HUGE mistake. In these unfortunate times, when I speak my mind without considering the consequences first, I really wish I had a more effective internal filter.

That's just it though. Speaking MY MIND. What the hell does my mind have to do with what I am feeling anyway? My mind is not me... my core, my soul. My mind is more often my enemy, hijacking my intuition away from my emotional true self, my core being.

It is sometimes a foolhardy and misguided practice, this thinking bit, this speaking of your mind. I know it is. I know it because when it comes to real, rich, human experiences, instinct and intuition are vital. Taking in and living an experience, feeling it, being in the moment, and then accepting the reality of it - without allowing your mind to weigh in - this is paramount.

You lived it. You experienced it. Now... for God's sakes, STOP.

STOP. FEEL. DON'T REACT. ACCEPT.

Do not, under any circumstances, let your mind take over. If you do, it will be sure to talk you out of what you felt, pass judgement on what you felt, and possibly lead you to think that what you felt was not at all what you felt but something entirely different. The inmate has now taken over the asylum, and it will most assuredly lead you to start speaking the half baked thoughts it conjured up as if they are the ultimate truth. This with no filter, mind you. What does it care? It's in charge now and it's relishing the power.

Having heralded that to death, I just have to say that, for me, it's not the knowing this to be the right thing that is the hard part;  but rather it's the putting all that I know and have learned into practice that is the challenge.

Knowing it, writing about it, seeking daily the mindfulness to succeed in it - that mindfulness to which I have often referred in my posts (especially the one on Equanimity) - all of it still doesn't prevent me from screwing up sometimes.

Most recently regarding an experience that elicited the most overwhelming of feelings in me. Even though I initially had every intention to restrain the erratic thoughts, feelings and impulses that were hijacking my inner peace, I acted on and spoke my mind's brief insanity. My over-analytical brain foiled me again; and foolishly, I let random thoughts, hasty assessments and careless absolutes escape from my mouth.

In the aftermath, not surprisingly, I was disappointed by what I had done and expressed and troubled by how it was perceived and received. Aware that I couldn't take any of it back, but wishing so much that I could… This was a "Woe Is Me" moment if there ever was one. 

So where do I go from here? What do I do when the desire for a do-over, a chance to right a wrong, is futile? What do I do when I have no choice but to accept there's no going back?

I guess I just work to tame the beast of my analytical mind from wreaking havoc and hone my filtering skills so in the future I don't do and say things that I'll regret... all the while moving forward, recognizing that what truly defines me is my next move, not my last.

Aren't mistakes just opportunities to grow and learn and do differently, dare I say better, the next time? I have to believe that. That's my truth, my perspective. #nofilter